When life brings tears, eat chocolate
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Take a chance before giving up
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Always remember: appreciate what you have
Photo credit: Robyn Consiglio
Monthly Archives: April 2011
The girl in the bathroom mirror
She stares into the bathroom mirror. Toothpaste, bobby pins and a toothbrush lay scattered on the dusty tile countertop along with loose hairs from the brush. She criticizes every pore, blemish, frizzed out pieces of hair that have fallen out of her ponytail. Her eyes are hollow, the green seems to be fading from her iris. Her throat hurts. She looks at the complete mess that has become of her. The humming of the bathroom fan fills her ears. The longer she stares the more her head spins. Tears stream slowly down her face as she stares into her red puffy eyes. I don’t know where everything went wrong.
I can’t stop crying.
Every day is a new day that becomes the same as the last. Insecurities lead my mind through the daily routine of walking around like a zombie with nowhere to go. The days are filled with exhaustion and the nights filled with headaches.
I wake up and can’t move from my bed. A mixture of clothes and shoes scatter my floor. I walk over them and pick my outfit. I’m not sure what the room looks like clean anymore. I know something is off. Usually, I like to smile. I love to laugh. I can’t believe that I’m depressed.
I’m admitting defeat. Something as consumed me and I don’t know what. I have a good life; loving parents, great friends and I am running really well. At least in the beginning of season I was. The injury to my knee was the rotting cherry on top of the awful sundae that has churned my entire body. Running is my life. I eat, breathe and sleep running. It was the only thing I had going for me, but now I feel I have nothing. It’s so pathetic to think. I don’t know what is worse: the fact that I am aware of my depression or the fact I can’t get it to go away.
I’ve tried the counseling center. There is no point in talking to a man that I obviously had no connection with. I have more in common with my nutritionist, but I’m not going to dwell on all my problems with her. I’m not quite sure I why I feel the need to share this with entire world on the web, but I feel that maybe if I accept the actual term depression it will go away. I’m talking it out more or less.
Depression is among one of leading causes of disability affecting 121 million people worldwide, according to the world health organization website. I’m no different than the majority of the world. I always thought of depression as a person’s excuse to make their unhappiness a reason not to do anything. I still want to do things; it is just a lot harder. If I distract myself with enough things to do I am fine.
My debate the last few weeks is whether I should suck it up and go back to talking to my friend Paul at the counseling center or head to the health center with the pharmacy. Accepting depression has always been a problem for a lot of people and how to treat it an even bigger controversy. I think that everyone is different and it is up to them on how they want to help themselves. I am capable to being aware of it, but some aren’t. Depression can lead to suicide and takes about 850,000 lives a year, according to the world health organization website.
By no means am I suicidal. I love my life. It just sucks right now and I know it won’t always.
I’m just coming back to the fact that people should realize that depression is real and it’s not something everyone knows how to deal with. So, be nice to others, show people around you that you care. My dad messages me every day to see how I am doing and it helps. I have always wondered why people are uncomfortable with depression.
I’ll keep bopping my head to the music that follows the flow of my moods and staring at myself in mirror hoping to see a change. Maybe my eyes will shine green once again. At least I’m hoping for the pain in my knee to desist and I can go back to my life of running. That is familiar territory.
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